


Reflections

by havenshereagain



Series: Autistic Matteo [3]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Cuddling, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, aka matteo's dad is a piece of shit, david loves his boyfriend and wants to help, shitty dad, slightly implied autistic matteo, supportive boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 10:49:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20226625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havenshereagain/pseuds/havenshereagain
Summary: On a lazy morning in bed David reflects on his relationship with Matteo, and thinks about Matteo's relationship with his father.





	Reflections

**Author's Note:**

> So this story totally took a turn from what I initially had planned (which was going to just be cute fluff about Matteo and David sleeping together/being lazy) but I actually really like how it turned out. 
> 
> There's some Italian in it, which is translated in the end notes so as not to spoil anything.

Matteo sleeps like he's trying to suffocate himself.

The first time David turned over and saw Matteo face down in his pillow, his heart skipped a beat (and not just because he'd actually spent the night with someone). He panicked for a moment, about to reach out and shake the messy-haired blond awake, but before he could he had noticed the slow but steady rise and fall of Matteo's back. A few minutes later, Matteo had turned over and smiled at him, and his earlier worries were forgotten.

Now, nearly a year into their relationship, David's grown used to seeing Matteo with his face buried in his pillow, sound asleep. There are still times when David's breath catches in his throat at the sight of his boyfriend burrowed into his pillow, early in the morning before he's fully awake, but he knows that Matteo's alright. 

Sometimes, he just likes to watch Matteo sleep, which he knows must be a bit creepy, but he can't help but stare in wonder at the fact that he gets to sleep with this guy, see him at his most vulnerable. Right now, for example. His head is burrowed deeply into his pillow, arms thrown up underneath it, shoulders and back exposed by the comforter pushed down around his waist. David reaches out a hand, gently placing it on Matteo's back, trying not to wake him, but wanting the reassurance of feeling his breathing. 

Almost as soon as his hand touches Matteo's back, he turns over, smiling sleepily. Matteo pulls one of his hands from under his pillow, rubbing at his eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," David whispers. It's too early for full volume voices. For a few seconds, the only response is a blank stare, as he watches Matteo work through what he said. He knows by now that just after waking up, Matteo needs more time than he usually does to process what he hears, so David just smiles at him. His hand falls back down by his side. 

"S'alright," Matteo mutters, voice thick with sleep. "I was only really half asleep anyway, some weird dream." He reaches towards David, pulling him close. Another thing David's used to by now: Matteo's constant craving for affection. At first, he thought it was just what people referred to as the honeymoon phase, but even now, Matteo is always trying to touch David somehow, be it leaning against his shoulder, holding his hand, or, when they're alone, just curling up entirely around him. 

Not only has David grown used to it, he loves it. He never realized how much he was missing out on not letting himself get close to others. For years, all of his affection came from family, and it was only once he allowed himself to get close to Matteo that he finally realized how nice it was to have someone who wasn't family express love for him. After a moment lost in thought, he wraps his arms around Matteo, humming in satisfaction. 

"What?" Matteo asks quietly, looking up at him. As soon as David put his arms around him, Matteo had slid even closer, his head now resting against David's shoulder. David takes a moment to just look at his boyfriend, taking in his face as if for the first time. 

"Just remembering," he finally replies. He knows it's vague, but there's so much he's reflecting on, it seems hard to elaborate. Mostly, he keeps thinking back to the first night he spent with Matteo, how they stayed up talking and kissing all night, falling asleep as the sun rose. The first night in a long time that he'd let himself get comfortable around someone else. But when Matteo fell asleep late that Saturday, he'd run away again, back sore from binding for much longer than he should have. 

"Remembering what?" Matteo asks after a pause. David smiles, finding Matteo's long processing times endearing. He thinks for a minute, trying to figure out how exactly to word his thoughts.

He settles on, "the first night we spent together, in your room." Matteo lets out a breath, and David knows he must be thinking of the man who caught them at the pool. At least the story of their first kiss wasn't boring, but that wasn't what David had been focused on. He kept thinking of the soft touches and whispers the two had shared in the dark of Matteo's room, the only light coming in from the streetlights outside. 

Part of him wishes he'd just come out to Matteo then, so he wouldn't have missed out on the extra time the two of them could've had together, but he was so scared. Now he knows that fear was for nothing, but then he'd been so used to the hatred people spat at him, he knew he wouldn't be able to handle those words from Matteo, and he still had the fear of being outed to the rest of the school. A gentle hand on his face brings him back to the present, having gotten too caught up in the memory of emotions long past. 

He realizes that Matteo had been speaking and pulls himself back into the present, smiling. "Sorry, got a bit lost," he explains. Matteo smiles back, nodding, then gently kisses him. 

"I was just saying," he starts, and David knows he's going to repeat what he'd missed before, "that was one of the best nights I've ever had." His cheeks are pink, even now, he gets flustered talking about his emotions. "You were the first person I could really be myself around, y'know? I still didn't want to believe I was gay, but as soon as you kissed me, that didn't matter anymore. Talking to you, kissing you, just being with you, it was so different, but good, and I knew I wanted to keep that."

David's heart swells at Matteo's little monologue. They've talked about that night before, and David knows that Matteo feels safe with him, but knowing that those feelings started the first night they spent together, maybe even earlier, was new for him. He stays quiet a moment, trying to find the right words, before deciding on, "I'm glad you felt safe with me, even then. I just wish I'd let myself really trust you sooner."

After a moment, he feels Matteo grab his hand and glances back down at him, not even realizing he'd started staring at the ceiling. "I get why you didn't though. Here's some stoner kid you've talked to like three times before, and suddenly you're kissing him and talking to him about soulmates and shit. You got yourself in deep without knowing it, and when you realized it, it felt too late to tell me the truth. I don't feel like you lied to me or anything, you were just scared, and trust me, I get that." And David knew he did, to an extent. Matteo had told him all about his issues accepting his sexuality and coming out, how scared he was of the reactions he'd get from his friends and his mom.

They lay in silence, and David continues following the thoughts of Matteo's coming out. Their friends certainly didn't seem to treat Matteo any differently, although David wasn't totally sure of the group dynamics before he'd become part of it. Matteo's mom also didn't seem to care, welcoming David with open arms from the moment he met her. His dad though, that was a different story. David grimaces at the thoughts of Matteo's father, remembering the day he'd entered the flat share to hear Matteo yelling in Italian. 

That in and of itself wasn't necessarily unusual, sometimes when Matteo was frustrated he'd curse in Italian rather than German. What was unusual were the pauses between the bouts of yelling, and the words being said. David did hear some of the occasional curses he'd grown used to, but there was a lot more being said. After kicking off his shoes he quietly made his way towards Matteo's room. He stood outside the door for a moment, not wanting to disturb Matteo during whatever he was doing, but wanting to be there for him.

After pausing to think, he knocked on the door, and got a response of "un momento, per favore*," and then a second later, "sorry, give me a minute please," before he started speaking Italian again, this time more quietly. David stayed standing for a second, then decided to sit on the floor as he waited for Matteo to finish his conversation. His voice remained low until David heard him say "non ho nient'altro da dirti. Ciao.*" He scrambled to his feet as he heard Matteo make his way to the door, and just managed to balance himself as the door opened. 

A quick glance at Matteo told him that it was not a happy conversation. He stepped forward, wrapping Matteo in a hug while asking him what had happened. Matteo had shaken his head, grasping tightly onto David's hoodie. "Mio padre-" he had cut himself off, taken a deep breath, and started again, this time in German, before pulling away from David, walking back into his room. "It's uh- I was talking to my dad." David saw him bring his arm to his face, presumably wiping away tears, and he stood in shock for a second before following Matteo into the room and gently closing the door. He had waited for Matteo to continue, or to turn around, but he just stayed staring out the window in silence.

"Matteo," he started gently, walking towards his boyfriend, "what happened?" A foot away he had stopped, not wanting to infringe on Matteo's space with everything that he must've had going through his mind. Matteo sighed, still facing the window. David hadn't expected him to turn around until he was ready.

"I um-" Matteo's voice had broken as he spoke, then cleared his throat to try again. "I told him." As he spoke he put his arm out, gesturing towards his bed, where David had seen his phone, thankfully undamaged. He knew Matteo's phone had taken the brunt of his emotions before, and was glad to see it hadn't happened again. There was a pause as Matteo let David think through what he said, trying to let him come to his own conclusions, but the silence went on until it was clear David wasn't getting it. He breathed out heavily before starting again, turning and pacing towards his bed, where he grabbed a ball he liked to throw to keep his hands busy. "About me. About us." With the emphasis on 'us' David finally understood what Matteo was talking about and moved towards him again.

"Whatever he said, you still have me and the boys, and your mom," David said, gently grabbing one of Matteo's hands. He had taken it as a good thing when Matteo didn't immediately pull away from him, although he was still looking at the wall. "And I get it, it hurts, but I'm here, okay?" David had let go of Matteo's hand, moving his own hand up to Matteo's shoulder, where he gripped onto him tightly, reassuring him of David's presence. Finally, Matteo had turned around, ball still grasped in his right hand, and David had seen the tears in his eyes. 

The ball dropped to the ground as Matteo moved to put his arms around David, who had quickly reciprocated. David had felt Matteo's fingers digging tightly into his jacket, through his layers, trying to get as close as possible. Matteo had let out a shaky breath, clearly struggling to keep up with the emotions going through his body after his conversation with his father. 

They hadn't spoken much more that day about it, but over the following week or so, Matteo had told him about everything that his father had said, the nasty words, the disbelief and anger. Mr. Florenzi had a lot of ideas about why Matteo was "the way he was," as he had put it, and all of them were an attack on someone, be it Matteo, his mother, David or even Jonas. All of it had made David's blood boil, the fact that someone could be so callous towards their own child not surprising, but still painful to think of. Matteo had ignored his father's calls for three months afterwards, though his father continued to send money to help pay for the flat share. 

When Matteo had finally decided to pick up one of his father's calls, David had sat with him through the whole thing, holding his hand, whispering encouragements when he felt Matteo needed them. From the snippets that he had been able to understand, and the way Matteo kept squeezing his hand, David knew the conversation wasn't going very well, but there was less shouting. The call had ended the same way the first one he'd overheard had, Matteo simply saying, "non ho nient'altro da dirti. Ciao,*" and hanging up, despite his father's voice still coming through the speaker. 

Though the conversation was calmer, Matteo had explained to David after that his father was still unaccepting and somewhat angry about "the way he was," as he had continued to say. Together, they had come to the conclusion that his father was uncomfortable referring to Matteo as gay, though they weren't sure which of the many reasons they'd thought of was the one explaining it.

The last conversation between Matteo and his father had happened without David, like the first, though it didn't end quite as bitterly. Matteo's father had become insistent that Matteo attend therapy, and was even willing to entirely pay for it. The only way Matteo would agree was on the condition that he be allowed to choose the therapist, knowing his father would likely try to send him to a conversion therapist, and even then he had only agreed because he and David had been talking about the idea of him seeing a therapist, and his father offering to pay, even if for all the wrong reasons, provided the perfect opportunity. 

That had been a week ago. They'd spent the past week researching different therapists in Berlin, trying to find the best LGBTQ+ friendly therapist that treated adolescents, and had finally decided on one the night before. Today, Matteo was going to talk to his father about it, leaving out that she was LGBTQ+ friendly, and then schedule an appointment with her. 

David's mind finally comes back to the present, and he starts to absentmindedly rub a hand up and down Matteo's back. Matteo lets out a breath, relaxing against David. He realizes Matteo was likely also thinking back on his father, and pulls him a little closer, before kissing the top of his head. The way Matteo has his head against David's shoulder makes it impossible for David to see his face, but he doesn't have to to know that isn't very happy right now, thoughts probably fixated on his father, all their previous conversations, and the one they would have today. 

"We should go make breakfast," David whispers. The silence in the room feels too much for full volume voices right now. He stretches the arm not trapped under and wrapped around Matteo, humming and arching his back. Matteo sighs and he smiles, knowing his boyfriend is likely trying to think of some way to keep him in bed a little while longer, not prepared to face the rest of the day. 

Just as Matteo goes to say something his stomach growls, cutting him off, and David laughs, knowing any excuse Matteo was about to make is now ruined. "Stupid fucking stomach," he mumbles, finally moving away so David can have his arm back. David stretches out again, now able to fully stretch out his chest and upper back. Before David has even sat up, Matteo's standing and searching for a shirt and sweatpants. He takes a second to just look at the guy he's lucky enough to call his, watching him put on a sweater that David's pretty sure is his. Matteo turns to look at him, smirking when he sees David already staring at him. "Change your mind about breakfast?" he asks.

David shakes his head, sitting up and laughing. "No way," he says, now feeling comfortable using his full voice, "just admiring the view." At that Matteo flushes, still flattered and slightly embarrassed when David compliments him, and David gets out of bed, moving to wrap his arms around his boyfriend. Matteo melts into his touch, humming happily, and whining a little when David pulls away. "I'm gonna put on my binder, then breakfast. Okay?" Matteo nods, reaching for a pair of sweatpants thrown on the floor. 

Things have been hard for Matteo for a long time, David knows. They've had plenty of conversations about the different issues they'd each gone through, and David knows Matteo still has a lot he struggles with, but he also knows that if Matteo needs help, he'll reach out. He's gotten a lot better about not shutting himself off whenever things get to be too much in his head, and even though it still happens, it's lessened a lot since he came out last year. With therapy, David knows it'll only get even easier for Matteo, as he'll finally be able to put a name to what he's been dealing with, though they both have an idea what it is, and he'll have a professional to help him work through all the trauma his parents' separation put him through. David's just happy he gets to be there to help him through it all.

**Author's Note:**

> *"one moment, please"  
*"I've nothing else to say to you. Bye"
> 
> Also: the "idea" that David and Matteo have about what he could have is that he's on the autism spectrum, inspired by Gleedegrassibigfan's posts on Tumblr and stories here on AO3, because after reading that I really think Matteo is autistic. I highly recommend you go read all of it. I think he has depression as well, but this is definitely not a professional clinical opinion, just my own thoughts as someone with depression who thinks they may be on the spectrum, and is about to get a degree in psychology (which I think may also be a special interest of mine).


End file.
